Puns

1st – 28th February 2010

Don’t drink and ski – no sense going off piste.

Jim Carrey pretends he can play stringed instruments from antiquity in new film ‘Lyre, Lyre’.

SCIENCE FACT: Angry bees can lead to cross-pollination.

Got a job removing the waste from car engines. It’s exhausting.

My mother’s a rap superstar with a lot of gold teeth and doesn’t always speak clearly. Too much mumbling.

“Your addiction to religious singing is ruining our relationship. It’s either hymn or me!”

Vandals destroyed my ancient stone circle. I don’t care about justice, but I will have hengeance.

Read in the paper today about Mercury being knocked off course and falling into the sun. A very moving orbituary.

The controversial introduction of open-toed beach shoes was viewed by many as quite sandalous.

I’m being divorced by a bowl of chicken soup. Hopefully it won’t take too long – our marriage was never consomméd.

Someone’s moved my plate of venison. Was it you? Don’t pass the buck.

Why can’t I find some divine Japanese rice-based alcohol?! For heaven’s sake!

Reading about an outbreak of spontaneous combustion that leaves ashes shaped like Disney characters. Everyone’s burnt to Cinders.

I ate a poisoned lentil and now I have no pulse.

Punched through a window. In quite a lot of pane.

Pancakes are flippin’ everywhere.

Nearly impulse bought some posh crockery and spices, but it wasn’t the right thyme or plates.

I won’t compromise on my lollipop diet, not in a month of sundaes.

Moving house is unsettling.

This asteroid is suitable for vegetarians, but over there is a meteor one.

It’s adorable to allow the easy movement of people between adjoining rooms sharing a common wall.

I told the drunk pallbearer to lay off the biers.

Argued with my girlfriend about whether to wear cloth over just one of my shoes. Later realised it was a pointless spat.

Someone should invent a device to measure the radiation coming from luxury designer shoes and call it the Kurt-Geiger counter.

Eyes open, all I see are depressed psychics. Eyes closed, it’s too dark. Wish I could find a happy medium.

Came across a small, red fruit that wears a lopsided hat made of dried grass. Am told it’s a strawberet.

Dating a bag of flour isn’t easy; it’s often strained.

Over 39 years being quiet means its probably time to start being louder. After all, life begins at forte.

1st – 31st March 2010

My pride may never be this wounded again, and I’m not even that old! Guess I piqued too soon.

There’s been another murder: the victim was battered to death with a melted clock. Must be the work of a surreal killer.

Started a campaign encouraging tourism to the South-West coast. Not got many members yet, possibly as no celebrities in Dorset.

At some point, most light criminals will have passed through the prism system.

Went to see a variety show where the acts came on without being introduced. It was beyond compere.

Bought a rubbish guitar as I couldn’t pick a good one.

Saw my mate stir frying on a glacier, I thought, “You’re woking on thin ice.”

“Are there any local singing groups I can join?”, he gently in-choired.

Tried embroidering some jokes on a cushion cover, but it wasn’t the right material.

Pirate with a very, very thin wooden leg: Long John Sliver.

Onions love each other shallot.

“I AM going to prison,” he said with conviction.

The foreman’s insistence that his crane crew all wear Medieval coats was to be his undoing – hoisted by his own tabard.

Just found out I’m getting my own herd of well-trained African antelope. No gnus like good gnus.

Depressed teenage witches have problems self-charming.

Stole a case of goldschläger and now I’m full of gilt.

What do David Irving and opaque tights have in common? They’re both big deniers.

Got my hand stuck in a NES. It broke. Inconsolable.

She got engaged for money, not love. He was her financé.

He apologised for his chronic fear of travelling above ground in abasement.

I was in the middle of robbing the bakery when the police arrived. Caught, bread handed.

Eating lots of thin bent wire at the moment. It’s my staple diet.

“Something tells me we’re getting close to Notre Dame.” “Oh yes?” “Just a hunch.”

Keep catching my friend sucking light bulbs. He might be a lampire.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s getting married and the music as he walks down the aisle be Bach.

Someone hit me with a bottle of dry champagne, savage brut.

Adult breakfast: Kellogg’s Barley Legal Corn Stars

“I’m getting married at Abbey Road studios.” “Maida Vale?” “No, it came with the dress.”

Trying to have a relaxing walk in the park, but this oversized picnic basket is really hampering me.

1st-30th April 2010

Went to get petrol yesterday. …Not really, I’m going today! April fuel.

Ancient Greek etiquette: always say polis and phalanx

Zombie Mussolini… what the duce?

Ever since I drank the last of her fresh orange juice, relations with my girlfriend have been cordial at best.

Measured out a portion of pasta, but might as well finish the whole bag. In for a penne...

Just heard that the Queen’s dissolved Parliament. Don’t worry – if we ever need it again she can just evaporate off the water.

Deliberately exposing endangered birds to diseases is illeagle. Even ones that only affect the talons are against the claw.

If chocolate could scream, would we eat so much of it? We might if it was only a wispa.

“Finally told my girlfriend the news about how much I’d spent on a TV/fridge combo.” “How was it?” “It got a frosty reception.”

Someone’s run off with my condiments, but thanks to a tip-off from an anonymous sauce I still might be able to ketchup.

Don’t worry if you have a crush on an open door. It’s easy to get entranced and is something that most of us have gone through.

Wasn’t sure if my in-character DeForest Kelley autograph was fake. Don’t worry, I’ve checked and it’s the real McCoy.

Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett can’t stop laughing at my small savoury appetiser. Amuse-bouche, innit.

He got hit so hard he flew across the border and landed in Texas. He’s in a right state now.

It was a bad idea to wear the 1950s Buddy Holly glasses he realised retrospectively.

Made a fortune investing in gravy on the stock exchange. Now I’m a bouillonaire.

During this bad weather, my pets are in charge. It’s reigning cats and dogs.

Addicted to docking my boat. It’s very moorish.

An angry rhotacist drove up to me, painted my face blue and charged me a fiver. Never thought I’d suffer from woad wage.

Ever play whist with musical instruments? If your opponent’s hand is winning, you’ll need to trumpet.

Too much booze and I end up moaning about old grievances – I just can’t resist a vintage whine.

St. George, patron saint of user interface design (he invented dragon-drop).

I’ve been asked to use 100 famous phrases a day. Who doesn’t love a quota?

Whitney Houston is launching a range of neutral coloured egg-shaped hand coverings. They’re the grayest glove oval.

Sadly, my business selling advice to Americans doesn’t make a lot of cents.

They say he was killed by a male goose trained by MI5. The government blame a rogue swan, but I know propaganda when I see it.

Will Smith and Martin Lawrence float around in the sea fighting crime in new action film Bad Buoys.

The ThunderCats are designing me a new kitchen, but I’m not very confident about Lino.

1st – 31st May 2010

Dendrophiliac witches go to Coventry.

Criminal words should be sentenced.

Earlier I was wondering if I might be a vampire but, on reflection, realised I’m not.

A wave of love for all humanity suddenly washed over her. Her jaw dropped, agape.

Our most treasured family heirloom is a magic lamp. Wish I could trace where it came from, but I’m no genieologist.

She got a phone call about her brother as soon as his kidney problems flared up again. Hurrah for dial-a-sis machines.

Light Brigade Batteries: Always Charging

Bedlam Lip Care: Totally Balmy

MENSA commandos: Swot Team

Just joined an organisation that keeps you fit by running alongside queues, staring at the people in them. I love wait-watchers.

Prehistoric rivers are meanderthals.

Trying to write a sentence praising the government’s new VAT increase on immoral goods, but I’ve got issues with the syntax.

Burned my tongue on a cup of Earl Grey, then recorded and autotuned my scream. For all you fans of tea pain.

Everyone knows about this mysterious rodent – he’s fey mouse.

Sending in my application to get approval for a new haircut. Getting a permit would be nice.

Your sickly textile factory workers may be productive, but can you live with your ill cotton gains?

There’s a hole in my sock, darn it!

Finding a decent corset in Spain is difficult because of all the basque separatists.

My backpacking travel agency has just been the victim of a hostel takeover.

Mythological creatures craving an adventure holiday go to Centaur Parks.

Spending ALL DAY in a gruelling semaphore class and already starting to flag.

I’ve invented a fabric that predicts the future; Nostradamask.

My German sausage business has gone from bad to wurst.

I’m often asked to assess the quality of people’s luggage and I try to judge it on a case by case basis.

Wanted to buy a discount boat, but I couldn’t find a decent sail price.

Dating a jug of water; she’s pretty as a pitcher.

That’s the best sushi place I’ve ever bento.

WHAT! My neighbour plans to drill lots of tiny holes through the wooden barrier between our gardens! Frankly, it’s a fence sieve.

There are only so many Mattel dolls I can grill at once, hence the need for a barbie queue.

Criminal knights must be brought to joustice.

When called to resign from the district school board after another super glue incident, he refused, sticking to his principals.

1st - 30th June 2010

Hairy insects that pupate in volcanos often end up as moulting larvae.

I cheated on Wonder Woman with Supergirl, then on Supergirl with Buffy. And all because of my heroine addiction.

I had to dash, but hit my colon on the side of a posh trophy. It brought me to a full stop and I slipped into a comma.

Brought up by the riverbank, yet afraid of water, he was an otter disgrace.

Vera Lynn is sick of having burgers for dinner: “Wheel meat again?!”

When gigging to an audience of cannibals, never ask them to throw their hands up.

Stressed castaways long for a massage in a bottle.

What’s wrong with air-brushing? I ate messy air. It’s orrible.

Can’t remember what I should do after doodling a bullet. I’m drawing a blank.

Jim Carrey tries to recruit Matthew Broderick into a shadowy organisation in new film ‘The Cabal Guy’.

Want to plot out how the size of electrostatic generator affects maximum voltage produced, but can’t find any Van de Graph paper.

“I wonder what my next guide on how to hustle people should be about?”, he con templated.

Thomas the Tank Engine hoarded all the coal because he had trouble making friends (selfish steam issues).

I’m playing ‘Earth’ in a demonstration of the Solar System. Should I make up the orbit as I go along or planet properly?

I howled with rage after being beaten by my girlfriend in an online algebra exam. Totally e-maths ululated.

Gordon Brown is devoted.

Davy Crockett once pierced his ear and shoved his head in a pork pie, misinterpreting a request to see some ‘pioneering spirit’.

Robot 1: Did you just emit a noxious gas as a byproduct of extracting pure iron from its ore? Robot 2: Whoever smelt it…

Someone’s embroidered insults over the Bayeux Tapestry. How crewel.

Ewww, don’t touch the blacksmith’s son, he’s got the metallurgy.

Rubbing fresh garlic onto a coarse sweater doesn’t actually ward off vampires. It’s another case of the hemp aura’s new cloves.

Illustrating a children’s story about a drunken rabbit pool hustler. A regular beer tricks potter.

Looking out of my fishfinger helicopter, getting a Birds Eye view.

Mass was wondering when gravity would arrive: ‘Why do you always make me weight?’

Scientists have built a sentient robot using exoskeletons from creative crabs. The first genuine arty fish shell intelligence.

Invited Edgar Allan Poe to an all-night acid house party in an aviary, but it turns out he doesn’t like raven.

Two weeks investigating the Case of the Unrestrained Canines and still no leads.

I threw a party in a deciduous tree, but no-one came (it wasn’t poplar).

Betting on which lamb will jump the highest is a big gambol.

Trying to make a lightweight, yet solid, cloth-covered sun hat, but someone keeps sabotaging me. Are they taking the pith?

1st - 31st July 2010

Making a stew out of corpse meat is, when you think about it, quite goulash behaviour.

He misplaced his mother’s collection of chimes and never quite got over it. Such a shame to lose one’s ma bells.

My mate who breeds large rabbits fought off some thieves who were trying to airlift them away – hare raising stuff!

I couldn’t decide whether to get a job in the north or south, so I went and spoke to my koreas advisor.

Sir Boris would be a living knight mayor.

My gym’s started offering discount memberships to ghosts, but they still don’t seem keen on exorcising.

Learning about atomic structure (my teacher’s a bit of a Bohr).

Just fixed my blender – hip hip purée!

Getting close to creating a forest of loose-fitting provocative dresses with my chemise-tree set.

Old Macdonald needed some help finding the right medication for his livestock, so he went to the farm assist.

New training initiative: England squad sings eleven-part harmonies during matches. Quite hard though, esp. if the pitch is dodgy.

Am I secretly an Olympic athlete who’s really good at throwing things? Sorry, I can’t discus that.

My mother’s sister runs a business bringing top-secret luxury goods into the country. All I know is that she’s import aunt.

Working out the national average shoe size was no mean feet.

“Just bought a car with a belly button.” “Is it an innie or an Audi?”

I think there’s some truth to the minotaur legend. But about half is definitely bull.

Looking back, the most stressful part of my graduation ceremony (BSc Torture) was the mortarboarding.

SUMMER TIP: Put tea leaves on your face when sunbathing for the best tannin experience.

Used to be employed by the Round Table, but now I joust for charity. It’s much better going freelance.

I wanted to ask some bees to share their honey with me, but you know how stingy they are.

Just saw some medieval jesters sailing along the Thames, rocking out to “Dr. Feelgood”. Quite the motley crew.

I defeated the criminal mastermind (and former henchman) using only a thin, light sheet of metal; alumni-minion foil!

Beethoven, Mozart, Bach. These great musicians don’t die, they just decompose.

Was asked to teach English at Wormwood Scrubs. Currently weighing up prose and cons.

Every week my mum used to dip me in paint and make me do the hoovering: “For getting carpets clean, nothing beats a dye son!”

I keep checking my bank balance online hoping it’ll go up – definitely a problem with my cache.

Started playing monopoly with my pheasant and partridge mates, but unsurprisingly they lost interest quickly. Stupid bored game.

David Mitchell and Robert Webb star as a 17th century diarist and talking pig forced to cohabit in new sitcom Pepys Sow.

Bought a parachute embellished with some gathered lace before I went base-jumping today. Such is the life of a frill seeker.

“I can’t get the petroleum out of this deep hole – it’s being blocked by all those hives.” “Well oil bee dammed!”

Aladdin electrocuted his father-in-law by feeding him a packet of duracell – a classic case of a sultan battery.

1st - 31st August 2010

Two ladies are fighting over a precious gem. From the way their rapiers are flashing it looks like it may be a deadly jewel.

My university tutors always stared a bit too long at the female students in the lecher theatre.

“I plan to have gruesome pumpkins for Halloween.” “I tried that last year, but had to dig up the herb garden to make room.”

Launched a website that compares you to the main character in Legally Blonde – lots of people are visiting the You Are Elle.

Architects don’t like to draw attention to their floors.

A vengeful ex threw fried potato at my nautical-themed home, damaging the entrance. Talk about having a chip on your shoal door.

Working at the local pub, Sister Beatrice quickly became employee of the month – easily the best bar nun.

As soon as I walked into the pub I knew it wouldn’t be a pleasant place to spend the night. How? Inn stinked.

A German discount supermarket chain now sells pack animals for food. What’s your stance on this more Aldi llama?

Went to a Gaelic dance on a remote farm where the caller played a tiny four-stringed guitar. Who doesn’t love a yokel céilidh?

Some say he likes girls who play with fire. Others say he likes girls with dragon tattoos. All we know is he’s called The Stieg.

An irate Barbie kicked Ken right in his neither regions.

Larry and Moe loved their Plato and Socrates costumes, but Curly wasn’t fooled for a second: “Wise guise, eh?”

“On a recent trip to the fjords I found a frozen Norse god trapped in a glacier.” “Thor?” “Maybe in spring.”

Recently I drove along the roads near where I grew up – it’s important to remember your routes.

I asked the wainwright if it was time to reinforce the wheel, but I spoke too soon.

While living in Germany I developed a phobia of the number 4. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by vier.

I find untamed nature confusing. Bewilderness is hard.

Being yeast must pay well – was chatting to some the other day and found out they’re rolling in dough and due for a raise.

My time travelling friend is always living in the future and the past. For his birthday I got him a brand new present.

I’ve made a new kind of rough fabric out of deer hide and want to name it after you, my love. It’s a hart felt gesture.

The army once tried camoflaging infantry as priests. I managed to pick up one of the uniforms at a military surplice store.

Since arriving from Rome in early Autumn, Julius failed to make many friends at his new school – he came, he saw, he conkered.

I’ve been driving Stephen King’s books everywhere for months. Would you believe I’ve got nothing to chauffeur It?

Bought some shoes in Holland and took up tap dancing. Now I’ve clogged up my sink.

Sold a lot of feathers and now I’m a quillionaire.

I was juggling small tea cakes and accidentally hit my girlfriend in the face. Truly, hell hath no fury like a woman sconed.

Got a piece of cod drunk by frying it in beer. Now it’s totally battered.

I definitely don’t want my bride to have a long train on her wedding dress. Two carriages, max.

I used to be totally against jackets made of fleecy leather, but I must admit after trying one on my opinion was suede.

Came home to find a load of middle eastern market stalls in my garden. How bazaar.

1st - 30th September 2010

Listening to song covers performed by high ranking noblemen on my dukebox.

Stabbed by a black and white checked knife – it’s left a ska.

Uncontrollable quacking isn’t a disease, it’s a mallardy.

My friend made a fortune investing in Magners and Strongbow shares – think there may have been some in cider trading.

“If I keep eating all these cereal grains apparently it won’t be long before I turn into one!” he said with a rye smile.

While interviewing for someone to help me maintain my stately homes, I was accidentally rude. They told me to mind my manors.

Saw REM setting up a circular domed tent with a hole in the roof. I guess everybody yurts sometimes.

Whenever the subject of his clipped wings came up, Freddie Falcon would fall silent – clearly it was still a soar subject.

Saw a big amphibious reptile running a branch of Costco. Thought it was an aggregator, but turned out to be a stockodile.

Drunk musicians play champagne flutes.

“It’s like lactose intolerance.” “Is that an allergy?” “No, it’s a simile.”

Dropped a ream of semi-transparent paper in the ocean and it sank without a trace.

“Is it your turn to spin the helicopter blades?” “Err, let me check the rota.”

This guy phoned up saying he’s a qualified, respected teacher and could train me to be a ninja, but I think it’s non-sensei-call.

As a child I hoped to understand the collective unconscious and achieve self realisation. Now I’ve given up on my Jung dreams.

Orchestra + thunderstorm + open air copper stadium = bad idea. The maestro’s silver baton only made it worse; a lethal conductor.

My friend reckoned he could run up a moving staircase the fastest. I disagreed violently and things only escalated from there.

“Billy the Kid just rode into town and fell off his horse.” “Stirrup trouble?” “Not yet, but give him half a chance.”

Sauron’s handbag was taken in by Middle-Earth police as part of an ongoing investigation. It’s an accessory to Mordor.

I pretended that my friend could speak to his mates through me, but he said he’s had enough of my phone-y behaviour.

When grieving I spend a lot of time under canvas canopies. I know it seems strange, but what can I say? I’m awning.

When I arrived a guy in a red shirt offered to park my car. He drove it into a canyon. That’s the last time I use valley parking.

The costumes for one of the most glam West End musicals arrived via container ship today. I love chic cargo.

I knew as I stole Death’s pillow there’d be reaper cushions.

The Michael Jackson vegetable diet: “Just Beet It”

The kid from Home Alone now works making boats watertight by sealing their lumber with parrot droppings. He’s macaw-ly caulking.

Is that owl plotting with some 13th century Peruvians? Yes, it’s Inca hoots.

“I met an ocean today.” “Pacific was it?” “Quite violent actually.”

Made too much sauce for dessert, so my mate Rev. Spooner brought his mongrel dog round to help. He really mutts the custard!

I once fell out with my parents after accidentally flooding their card game mid-bid, but it’s all water under the bridge now.

1st - 31st October 2010

Use quality wool and only knit items for people who will appreciate it – don’t cast your purls before twine.

Aren’t you worried you’ll get caught shoplifting those kitchen utensils? You’re taking an awfully big whisk.

Someone ate my cheesy crisps. Bit suspicious as when I asked my grandad he paused before answering in a quavery voice.

Aqua diem: seas the day

My friend runs a U2 fan site and is looking for some legal advice. Can anyone help? (Ideally pro Bono)

Primitive clowns used to hit each other with human arm bones. They thought it was humerus.

“Where’s Sarah Palin from?” “Alaska.” “Let me know what she says.”

Just saw a pic of Jeff Goldblum from 1986. He looks fly!

“Went to the theatre and one of the employees looks just like a US R&B superstar.” “Usher?” “No, he works behind the bar.”

A bald thug just unravelled my knitting, coiled up the yarn and left. I hate skeinheads.

In my script for Star Wars VII the characters battle their own clones. And the story’s not just for kids – it’s got many Leias.

“That girl’s tuxedo is covered in hair.” “Hirsute.” “No, I think it’s rented.”

I called my girlfriend a tart. She called me custard. It’s a stupid argument – we should just quiche and make up.

Druid police enforce the lore.

I always get funny looks when I show people my split-level tepee. I’m now completely comfortable with the in-tent’s stairs.

My conjoined twin experiment has definitely gone pair-shaped.

I can’t stop greeting people over and over again and I think it’s making me ill. Could be a hi fever.

For a countryside hike wear something practical rather than fashionable, as it’s hard to stay on top of all the different stiles.

I tried to explain my innocence – I was at home in a North London suburb at the time – but I couldn’t get averred in Edgware!

“Your pet stag’s been shot – don’t you have any sympathy?!” “Yeah, my hart bleeds.”

Life for Oompa-Loompas is hard if you’re not born into The Chocolate Factory, but I managed to pull myself out of the gateaux.

Listen up all you cowboy fonts! There’s a new serif in town. And it’s no use hiding behind a pseudonym – he’s anti-alias.

Arrested for treason after showing tourists the different platters used to serve the Queen – quite the notorious tray tour.

My lungs have overlapped and I’m having trouble breathing where they intersect. X-rays show I’m suffering from a Venn diaphragm.

The Royal Mint claim to have invented a coin that’s completely unflippable. Personally, I can’t make heads or tails of it.

I went in for a filling and ended up blind after being confused with another patient – a classic case of mistaken eye-dentistry.

A monk grabbed a fresh-baked roll straight out of the oven and it somehow sliced him in half. A real bap-schism of friar.

A man got taken to hospital today after hitting his head on Big Ben. I don’t know his name, but his face rang a bell.

I’ve invented a small, man-shaped device that hands out free newspapers at regular intervals: the Metrognome.

“Come to my Morris Dancing party.” “I’ll be there with bells on!”

Why won’t you listen to my plan to use decayed vegetation from wetlands as a source of energy? For peat’s sake!

1st – 30th November 2010

With only my chauffeur for company I went on a quest to meet Suggs. I failed and at times was almost driven to Madness.

“Mr. Pimp, sir, is it true that you have the quickest girl in the business?” “Well, I hate to slow my own strumpet…”

When rowing, try using a flexible paddle bent into a bow. It might give you some extra speed. Oar knot.

Retraining as a tree surgeon? Your days are lumbered.

“Along with a bomb plot, in 1605 someone also tried to assassinate MPs by stabbing them with cutlery.” “Fawkes?” “Knives, too!”

I’ve seen a lot in my time as a professional dancer, often while spinning on the spot. I’m a man of the whirled.

Cheer up Thor, you’ve got a face like thunder.

My campaign to stop dogs showing their happiness was ignored until I got some press. Now everyone’s jumped on the banned-wagging.

My scarecrow has decided to go on a crash diet. It really is the last straw.

Gilet: the vest a man can get

Chris Hoy gave me a lift in his car made from Olympic gold and flowers. I was running late so he put the petal to the medal.

When two fans of classic computer games need to discuss an important issue it’s known as a tête-à-têtris.

Jewish ski professionals wish each other Shabbat Slalom

“To sculpt chocolate you need special tools and a simple idea.” “An aeroplane?” “Yes, plus a Yorkie hammer and a Kit Kat lathe.”

I saw someone drive a Bravo off a cliff and survive (the car still worked, too). A real death-defying Fiat.

“Cruella! Why, when I wanted a lemonade, did you insist on me getting a liqueur?” “De Vil’s advocaat, of course!”

My mate got high off a roast chicken. He free-baste the juice.

I think volcanoes are misunderstood – they’re lavas, not fighters.

Penguins look like they’re in tuxedos because dinner is always a fish shoal.

When sheep need a transplant they get a doner kebab.

While scuba diving I heard some polyps singing about informing, educating & entertaining – a beautiful example of a choral Reith.

Apparently rabbit costumes and painted eggs are on trend now?? I can’t keep up with you fashioneasters.

Don’t you hate those lawyers who hustle for business around fancy restaurants and dimly lit jazz clubs? Bloody ambience chasers.

My mate’s decided he wants to start shipping eagles, falcons and hawks between Dover and Calais – yet another aerie-ferry scheme.

Giant Peaches, as with all fruit-based homes, come with problems. For James, it was the radiators not being plummed in.

After a hard day of organised crime Japanese mobsters like to unwind with a dip in the yakuzi.

Why do tile games do sit-ups? To work on their abdominoes.

This Russian B&B is very good at putin clean bed lenin on. Full marx from me!

However much you may want to, you must never hit someone with a Stradivarius – violins is never the answer.

1st – 31st December 2010

“I wish I could draw a set of four aces… wow thanks!” – Djinn Rummy

Apparently eating a load of condiments before battle makes soldiers braver. Hence the expression, “he mustard up his courage”.

Got fired from making appetisers that walk straight into your mouth. They’ve given me my marching hors d’œuvres.

Q: If you have two chickens, and I take one chicken away, what do you have? A: A poultry sum.

I test the Queen’s food for poison in exchange for exemption from tax. It’s dangerous, but there’s no accounting for taste.

I’m a vintage red, she’s a sparkling white – can we ever be together?! I guess the corks of true love never did run smooth…

One moment – I just need to find someone to look after my pet panda. Bear with me.

At first I thought he was wearing a pheasant-shaped shoe, but it’s actually part of his body! Watson, the game’s afoot!

Disapproving elephants. Tusk tusk tusk.

Just heard a long speech about endangered mammals. It did tapir off a bit at the end.

Remember when they offered to let us go camping on their field again and we said no? They’re really having re-tent shun issues.

Lions eat things roar.

Do your bit for the environment – leave your wine bottles outside, sit back and let nature take its corks.

Never judge a calculator by its casing – it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

Ever used a putter on a sheet of silica glass? Nothing compares to a quality golf quartz.

I had severe back pain until an Egyptian farmer ran me over. If you’re also suffering, I can recommend a good Cairo tractor.

PRINCES: when you suddenly become King, don’t worry – it’s normal to feel a bit throne.

My skin tone is a very vivid sort of reddish-orange. My mum says I’m one in vermilion.

Can’t think of a way to describe people who, after some thought, talk rubbish. Give me a minute, it’s on the tip of my tongue.

“Just got bitten by an insect.” “Flea?” “No use running, it’s already happened.”

“Captain! Land ho!” “Shore?!” “Pretty positive…”

I ate a binary pony and now my throat’s feeling a bit horse.

As I leaned in to kiss my date she dropped a block of dense, soft metal on my foot. I think I was being lead on.

My ambition to create a softer tartan for Scottish clans sometimes seems futile. Ah well, no use sighing over kilt silk.

I refuse to modernise my music collection, and that’s vinyl.

My party trick is singing a pop song while lifting a heavy bit of wooden furniture – carry-oaky.

“Wotcha Zeus!” – ancient greets

HIP HOP FANS: Want to separate out the sample from the rest of a track? You need a centrifugee.

Tadpoles find TV absolutely ribbeting. It can seem like they have an idea what’s going on, but really they haven’t the froggiest.

Scottish girls on the pull are always tartan about.

I’ve got a dangerous addiction to writing puns. When I think of one, I gag. (It’s beyond a choke)